I love and dread this time of year.

I love it because the weather is getting warmer, the air smells like spring, the sun has reappeared, and there's a general feeling of relief everywhere (at least I think so).

I dread it because I can't concentrate (for instance: I have a midterm paper due tomorrow and another on Friday and I haven't started either of them), and because it makes me think of what I was doing this time two years go. Jesus, it's been two years already and I still want to call her up and tell her about my day. I think, about this time, I was teching Merchant at First Pres., and I must have had a lot of work for school because I remember being really busy. I remember thinking that Monday, March 5th was going to be my "day-off." I get a little moody and sad around this time of year - I watch dumbo a lot and think about her for no reason. Everyday up to the week of her death and funeral was sunny and (weather-wise) pleasant. That week got cloudy and rainy, and I loved it. It would have really pissed me off if the weather was nice that week. Note to self: next time I have to help plan a funeral, make sure to plan for a day when it rains.

I'm doing this thing where I'm trying to forgive my mom for all of the stupid, petty, infuriating things she did. It's hard, because that seems to be all we can talk about at home. Not that I want to dismiss or forget those things, but what we're doing right now is just as inaccurate and unfair as canonizing her memory would be. I guess we always wanted to say those things to her face, but we were too scared, so now we just can't help ourselves. And I want to stop doing that. I don't want to wake up one morning and not remember why I loved my mother. That's why that scene in dumbo makes me cry - it reminds me of everything I loved and miss about her. Maybe we talk about what pissed us off about her because it's easier than having to accept the fact that someone we loved and who loved us is no more. I don't care if it's easier, I don't want to be mad at her anymore.