I was just thinking about this while I was walking back to my dorm after picking up some food from Read...
For almost two years, I've sort of thought that my mom's death hadn't changed me at all. I still felt like I was more or less the same, except for the obvious lack of a mother. And once the initial shock and grief wore off, I thought I was pretty much back to normal. In fact, I still think I'm mostly normal, but I finally realized that I'm not exactly the same as I used to be.
Before she died, I always felt that I could talk to anyone about anything that was bothering me, or was important to me, or whatever. I did, too. Usually, I said just about anything that was on my mind, barring the indecently rude or eccentric thoughts that I like to believe everyone has occasionally. Now, I censor myself almost constantly. Because, as I already said in a previous post, my situation makes other people uncomfortable, and I'm pretty aware of that. But I don't just censor myself about my mother. I don't like to talk much because I assume that other people will think I'm boring, or inconsequential, or whiny, or just plain old stupid. Maybe I always thought like this and since I got to college the problem is more pronounced, so I'm blaming it on my mom. Maybe this does have to do with her death - after all, it's not unheard of for the death of a loved one to have lasting effects on a person. Maybe I'm just a little shy and blowing it out of proportion and I need to stop psychoanalyzing myself. Maybe I was rude and far too forthcoming before all this and I'm now acting normal. Maybe I need to find a new way to start my sentences.
In any case, I only have a few people to whom I can talk freely - mostly my family and a couple of friends. Even the title of this post is defensive because I feel like I need to preface this with some kind of disclaimer that I'm about to say something emotional. And I can't bring myself to delete it because I can't get over the feeling that to not inform who ever reads this of what they're getting into is rude of me.
For everyone I've met in the last two years, I wasn't like this before...at least, not that I can remember.
4 years ago
3 comments:
Maybe this is just something that happens to people sometimes, for different reasons. It's sad, but I know I censor myself all the time and I'm sure people around me do too. Why do we do this?
I guess maybe we know that saying, "I'm fine." makes for much better small talk than saying, "I'm scared out of my mind and I have no idea what to do." But I have to say that I much prefer to be around people who would rather hear the latter.
When I'm around certain people, particularly my family, I put on "a mask," per say, and act like that "good Christian Boy," which I'm not. In a sense, college has liberated myself from them. It's one reason I chose a college so far away, but I'm still learning how to deal with people and forge friendships. Yeah. . . that rant ran off.
When you hit college, you find yourself censoring yourself a lot because (choose all that apply):
1.) You don't want to look stupid.
2.) You want to make friends.
3.) You now realize what got you through HS won't work in college.
4.) You don't want to offend anyone.
5.) You have discovered the power of words.
6.) You are intimidated by the college crowd.
7.) You are new.
8.) You're far from home.
9.) You want to fit in.
10.) You are smarter than others but don't want to look snooty.
11.) You know the other person can flatten you with one punch.
12.) ______________________________
_______________________________
Bottom line: you're maturing. You won't feel the same way after a year or two under your belt.
Capt
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